What is parental alienation?
Parental alienation involves a parent’s calculated attempt to alienate a child against the other parent through ongoing mental manipulation and negative behaviours. In doing so, the alienating parent has the potential to undermine or even destroy the child’s relationship with the targeted parent. Legal professionals have confirmed said actions are a form of emotional child abuse.
A desire to punish the other parent often stems from unresolved feelings of anger and hatred towards a broken marriage. This typically leads to the fabrication of false beliefs or stories which are passed to the child, as well as withholding positive information, about the other parent. Dismissal of this kind, combined with the relative absence of positive behaviour and involvement, can cause the child to develop a negative view on the hated parent, eventually rejecting interaction with them.
Although it’s possible for just one parent to express alienating behaviours, it’s usually a blend of both parents behaving in ways that cause a child to resist spending time with one parent and side with the other. A lot of children find comfort in trusting one parent, ensuring their relationship with the chosen parent is strong.
What is parental alienation syndrome?
Parental alienation is frequently misinterpreted for parental alienation syndrome (PAS). The difference is, PAS identifies a problem in the child, whereas parental alienation refers to the behaviour carried out by one parent to deliberately alienate the child from the other.
PAS is considered a “childhood disorder” that arises as a result of child-custody disputes, but parental alienation is carried out with the intention of damaging the child’s relationship with the other parent. It’s only classed as PAS when the targeted parent has not displayed any abusive behaviour or neglect that would explain the child’s hostility towards the parent.
The symptoms of PAS and overall effects of parental alienation can be devastating for the child and the whole family dynamic. It’s common for the child to alienate themselves from the parent who initiated the divorce, believing the breakdown of the family was their doing. Whilst feelings of upset and bitterness towards the situation are understandable, it doesn’t qualify as a descriptor for parental alienation.
The effects of parental alienation
Children don’t all respond to parental alienation in the same way, and the potential impact of this abuse is critical to their upbringing. Some of the recorded effects of parental alienation are as follows:
- Difficulty establishing and maintaining future relationships
- Lowering of the child’s self-esteem
- Loss of self-respect
- Feelings of guilt, stress and depression having broken the bond with one parent
- Anger issues or delinquent behaviour
- Learning difficulties at school
How to prove parental alienation
The laws on parental alienation aren’t always black and white, and it’s difficult to know whether the attitudes and behaviours committed by the alienating parent will qualify as parental alienation in Court. Alienating acts vary in intensity and impact on the child, though custody evaluators typically look out for these descriptors:
- The child expresses ongoing hostility and hatred towards the targeted parent
- The child’s language mimics the language of the alienating parent
- The child denies all forms of interaction with the targeted parent
- The child conforms to the alienating parent’s beliefs and persuasion
- The child’s beliefs have become irrational and unhinged
- The child’s reasonings are shaped by relayed information from others instead of personal experiences
- The child has no ambivalence in their feelings, only seeing the bad in the targeted parent
- The child doesn’t feel guilty for rejecting the targeted parent or thinking badly of them
- The child and alienating parent combine forces to diminish the targeted parent
- The child switches and becomes aggressive when the targeted parent is mentioned
Buckles Family Law team have also published a blog the 17 signs of parental alienation to add to this list to help parents spot potential alienation.
As legal advisors, we’ve decided to put together a checklist of preliminary things you can do that will give you the best chance of counteracting alienation attempts:
- Arrange a schedule for contact with your children immediately after the separation, and then try not to deviate from the agreed times. Don’t “let the dust settle” before raising it with your ex-partner.
- Create a timetable which works around your child’s pre-existing activities, as event crossovers may provide a preserve incentive for your children not to see you.
- It’s not a good idea to “compete” with your ex-partner for your child’s loyalty or attention. The most important thing is good and consistent parenting from both sides, regardless of the separation.
- When holding discussions with your ex-partner, having a trusted family member, friend, professional mediator, or lawyer present ensures any manipulation directed at you or your child from the alienating parent is reported fairly.
- Any incidents or evidence that contradicts claims made about you by your ex-partner should be kept on record. Under no circumstances should you engage or participate in conflict with them.
- Emotional intelligence is key – your ex-partner is likely to know your personal weaknesses, and therefore, know the best ways to get under your skin. You should recognise that they could use this inside knowledge to provoke you into the kind of outburst that supports their claims.
- Join a local support group to meet likeminded people who are dealing with, or have overcome, parental alienation.
