Relationship breakdowns or splits can be stressful at any time – but add children and Christmas into the mix, and the pressure on both parties is bound to escalate.
Whether you are on the brink of formally separating from a spouse or partner, or it is your first year apart, family lawyers from Buckles Solicitors LLP have some sensitive seasonal advice on coping with a family Christmas.
Try to:
Be Prepared:
Think about the Christmas arrangements – talk and plan ahead. Last minute discussions with an estranged spouse/partner can add to the stress and feelings of panic. Draw up a list you can both agree on if it helps to see the arrangements in writing.
Be Realistic:
Splitting Christmas Day in half – is this really best for the children? Do you want your children to leave all their new toys that they have just received so that they have Christmas lunch on the other side of town with the other parent? Don’t punish the child for the adults’ decisions.
Be Fair:
Remember that it is not about ‘your time and my time’ with children – they are not a commodity. It is understood that Christmas Eve night leading into Christmas morning is the most special time when we have children and that is an experience that both parents would love to share. But in reality, this sometimes isn’t possible – so arrange to each have your own ‘special time’ with the kids.
Be Respectful:
If it is ‘your turn’ to have the children, then telephone the other parent or Skype/Facetime them. Both parents should remember that Christmas Day is exhausting for children given the level of excitement so they may not “perform” well during such a Skype or Facetime session, and therefore be forgiving. Don’t attribute blame to cover up your own inevitable feelings of disappointment.
Be Flexible:
Very often the parent with whom the children live expects to have the children every Christmas. Very often, a Judge will alternate the best bits of Christmas Day i.e. Christmas Eve at 3pm to early on Boxing Day and then this is alternated between both parents year on year. Among separated couples with children, Boxing Day very frequently replicates Christmas Day so that the children have two Christmas Days rather than just one.
Be Open Minded:
Personal family arrangements for a special Christmas with the children is not necessarily a legal issue. Think about keeping this out of Court, keeping in control of your family arrangements and keeping the festive season special. Therefore, contemplate Mediation or Collaborative Law. Devise a ‘Parenting Plan’ so that there are no hidden surprises for the future. There may be several years of Christmases still to enjoy with the children, so stop it being stressful and keep it special.
Lyn Brisley, family mediator and collaborative lawyer for Buckles, said: “While Christmas can increase the stresses and strains of family life for couples who are experiencing relationship difficulties, our own research suggests that couples looking to separate start talking about doing so some 12-18 months before they make the final decision.
“If children are involved, then it is usual for the ‘cut off’ point to be Christmas, and then the process begins in the New Year. Likewise, Christmas can have serious implications for couples who have recently been estranged and perhaps live apart from their former spouse/partner and children.
“We recognise that Christmas can be extremely stressful for families experiencing these difficulties, particularly if children are involved and are impacted by their parents’ decision.
“Trying to work through any differences and placing them to one side by putting the children first can only be a good thing. Having some kind of plan or coping mechanism can also help, and try and get the support of other family members and friends.”
Buckles also run a joint initiative with relationship experts, Relate, which aims to try and keep divorcing couples out of the courtroom.
The service is available locally and offered through collaboration between Relate Peterborough and Buckles’ Family Department.
