A loved one has died. Consumed by the complexity of grief, you may turn your attention to books, films, or podcasts on grief. Death anxiety overwhelms you. Undertaking therapy allows you space for reflection on pain. You may feel overwhelmed with angst about your children, your partner, pets, friends, anyone, everywhere, every day. The silence of your new life might be deafening.
The language of death and grief feels uncomfortable. What is the right thing to say to someone who anticipates death or is experiencing loss? ‘I am so sorry for your loss’ or ‘I am sorry for your prognosis’ but ‘it is not your fault so please don’t apologise’.
My client knows she is terminally ill when we meet to discuss her Will including her funeral wishes, concerns about family complexity which may implode after her death, the intricacies of which we discussed in great detail. This leads to reflections on her fears, analysis of the immediate future and a colourful narrative of her past including the main characters who featured and who may feature in the future. Although an untimely death is anticipated, determined to outlive her prognosis in the face of adversity, of course, neither she nor her family and friends are emotionally prepared for the inevitable. And when the moment arrives and I am notified by her closest friend, I too refuse to accept her death because she was too young, determined, strong and radiating heartfelt stories when we had met just a few months earlier.
Speeches and spontaneous tears from friends, family, acquaintances, saying goodbye again and again without certainty as to when the end will be. Aware that death is imminent, when the moment arrives, we are unprepared and so much often remains unspoken. There follows anger, denial, and reflection on how the story could have ended differently.
In the case of this client, she was open about her imminent death. The family did not want to act as her executors due to complex family relationships. Her main concern was her burial, where it would be and who would attend. I advised that whilst her funeral wishes may be included in her Will, they are not legally binding in a Will but instead, an expression of wish to her executors. We also prepared a letter of wishes for her professional executors, clarifying her intentions and explaining her concerns. To be effective, this relies on the family notifying professional executors of the death before the funeral.
This leads me to reflect on a moving article I read recently in The New York Times by Andrew Keh. It concerns the late Ms. C who had no next of kin and whose executor of her Will was neither family member nor friend, but instead, a lawyer at a firm who, at the time of her death, knew nothing of her story. Her Will had simply requested no funeral or ceremony but instead for her ashes to be interred at a pet cemetery. For Mr Martin of Hartsdale Pet Cemetery, north of New York City, this was not an unusual request. Having worked at his father’s pet cemetery since he was 14 years old, he had tended to the graves of innumerable dogs, cats, birds, monkeys, as well as their owners who wished to rest eternally with their pets. Ms C’s story was bewildering and sad because, it seemed initially, both to the lawyer and Mr Martin that she would be buried there alone.
Mr Martin received the ashes from the lawyer in a wooden box. Ms C was buried without ceremony as instructed. There was apparently no-one grieving for Ms C. Mr Martin was the only person present, whispering comforting words to himself as the urn was lowered into the earth. Mr Martin and the lawyer were wholly unaware of the small group of friends who loved, missed and remembered Ms C as ‘a voracious reader, ace crossword puzzler and heavyweight Scrabble player. She smoked constantly…drank enthusiastically…and was in love with peanut butter..’
During the administration of Ms C’s estate, the lawyer communicated with Ms C’s friends as beneficiaries of her relatively meagre estate. In doing so, one friend sent an email to the lawyer with a picture of Ms C, cradling a baby boy, apparently known as Dana. It emerged that although Ms C had not planned pregnancy or having a baby, she raised her son, Dana until his untimely death from a heroin overdose. It became evident that his ashes were interned at Hartsdale Pet Cemetery, along with his beloved dog and cat as companions. As Ms C had grown older and become unwell, her dream was to be buried with her son.
Upon hearing this story from the lawyer, Mr Martin searched and retrieved the urn of ashes containing Ms C. He found Dana’s grave and reunited mother and son, along with Jackie Paper and Puff the Magic Dragon, Dana’s dog and cat, as inscribed on the headstone.
Reflecting on my years as a private client lawyer, I have learnt that family dynamics are often complex; whether shared by the client at the time of Will instructions, or whilst acting as an executor following death, from the Deceased’s friends and family. I am no longer shocked or surprised by anything.
Everyone has a story with a beginning, a middle and eventually, an end.
