Christmas may well be the ‘season of goodwill’, but unfortunately, when families become estranged and parents separate, that sense of ‘goodwill’ can sometimes be in short supply.
Christmas can be especially challenging for those who need to agree on arrangements for their children during the holiday period, and the stress and emotions involved can often become overwhelming, taking the shine off what would normally be a special and magical time for families, and in particular, the children themselves.
To help alleviate some of this pressure as we head towards the festive period, we’ve pulled together some helpful tips to ensure that arranging contact with the children doesn’t disrupt your silent night this Christmas, and that a peaceful season is enjoyed by one and all.
1. Planning ahead
It’s understandable that you may want to put-off having difficult conversations around contact plans for Christmas, particularly if there is any lingering ill-feeling between parents, the split is particularly fresh, or there is hurt on either side. The sooner you have the conversation, the better.
Leaving Christmas arrangements too late can lead to added stress, pressure, and frustrations between separated parents, whereas being proactive and making plans well in advance will allow for open negotiations. Early dialogue will also provide the opportunity to pursue mediation or seek legal advice if direct negotiations prove unsuccessful and an agreement cannot be reached.
If face-to-face communication is simply not feasible given the volatility of a relationship, text messages or email will suffice. Plus, this will aid as a written reminder of what is discussed and agreed. Regardless, all correspondence should prioritise the well-being of the children and aim to foster cooperation, ensuring a calm atmosphere and the best chance for agreement.
It’s important that discussions are held out of the earshot of any children involved, and that their best interests remain the absolute priority. Christmas is not the time for point-scoring against one another.
Having said that, be conscious that as your child grows older, their wishes and feelings about Christmas may evolve. This can naturally affect their preferences on where to spend time during the festive period. At this point, you should try actively involving your child in discussions and arrangements, or giving them a choice of options, so that you can fully consider their wants and needs more effectively.
When organising contact, it’s also a good idea to have candid conversations about what your kids should get for Christmas in order to prevent duplication or competitiveness.
On special occasions, trying to “outdo” the other parent is never a good idea. Even though big money or flashy gifts might seem significant to you, your children will gain far more from witnessing their parents getting along than from receiving material things.
2. Be open-minded with the options
There is no right or wrong when it comes to formulating a plan for contact at Christmas. Your unique family circumstances (be they blended, extended, or with care obligations), geographical locations, and even what happened last year will all have a bearing. Fundamentally it’s about what works best for you, and moreover, your children.
There are, however, several common solutions;
- Split Christmas Day: One parent wakes up with the children on Christmas morning and the other parent spends the rest of the day with them. Morning alternates yearly.
- Christmas Day/Boxing Day split: One parent has the kids on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, while the other parent has them on Boxing Day and 27th December. Handover can be late on Christmas Day or early Boxing Day. Routine alternates yearly.
- Christmas and New Year’s Split: Children stay with one parent for Christmas and Boxing Day, then with the other parent for New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day, alternating each year. Suitable for parents who live far apart to minimize disruption and travel.
3. Be kind to each other, and yourself
When things are amicable, it’s common for separated parents to plan to celebrate Christmas together as a family unit with the children, at least in the early days. However well-intentioned this may be, such acts of togetherness at Christmas can confuse and upset children, as it may lead them to believe that their parents are getting back together, and this is not usually the case. It’s far kinder to everyone concerned if there are clear boundaries in place and everyone understands where, when, and how Christmas will work before the big day arrives.
Of course, in some instances where parents have separated there will be some hostility, and in these situations, it is crucial to avoid animosity overspilling in front of the children, especially on Christmas Day.
Being apart from a child over the festive season is incredibly difficult for any parent, so be mindful of that, and how you would feel/have felt, spending Christmas alone. Do not use the task of making contact arrangements to purposefully cause distress or harm to the other parent, and never flaunt or brag about your ‘preferrable’ situation in front of the children, as they will likely be concerned about the wellbeing of the other parent.
If you are the individual with contact on Christmas Eve or Christmas Eve, be sure to try and arrange a phone or video call whenever possible, to ease your children’s anxiety, and show kindness to your former partner. Irrespective of your feelings, teaching empathy to your children is important for their development.
4. Don’t deviate from the plan
Throughout the Christmas season, it is imperative that you remain dedicated to seeing through any contact plans you have made.
During the early stages of a break-up, it is likely that children will already be feeling disappointed about how the separation will impact Christmas, or the idea that Santa may not visit, so will need some reassurance. Messing around with arrangements will not offer them the security they need, and simply further exacerbate tensions. Maintaining commitment to a plan reasserts your continued commitment to the family unit and shows responsible parenting.
Furthermore, it is sensible to spend some time thinking back on the arrangements after the holidays are over to determine what went well and what didn’t, so you know how to plan more effectively for next year. If this can be done face-to-face, even better. But you should try for a candid conversation of some sort as soon as possible to make sure next Christmas is the best it can be.
What if an agreement over child contact at Christmas cannot be reached?
Not all separated parents will easily be able to reach an amicable agreement, for any number of reasons. However, there are other options to explore.
Mediation is a helpful process where families negotiate future arrangements for children with the assistance of a neutral third party, the mediator. This approach allows parents to cordially reach their own agreements outside of court, providing more control and a quicker, cheaper resolution than legal proceedings.
Even if the court’s intervention is required to find a solution, in most cases, both parents involved will be required to attend mediation first. (There will be exceptions to this rule).
Anyone with parental responsibility can make an application to the family court to preside over Christmas arrangements, but this should only be done if absolutely necessary. It should be understood that any such applications to the family court may not be deemed to be a priority, so if they are not lodged in sufficient time, the case may not be heard before Christmas arrives.
If the case is heard, the court will expect to receive statements from each parent outlining their proposals. Then, prior to the initial court hearing, CAFCASS (The Child and Family Court Advisory and Support Service) will conduct specific checks to see if there are any welfare or safeguarding concerns that the court should be made aware of.
The Court may not agree with the arrangements proposed by either parent, or may suggest an alternative approach altogether. Its focus will always remain on the child’s welfare, and all decisions will be made accordingly.
After filing witness statements, a welfare checklist, and CAFCASS recommendations into account the court may decide to issue a child arrangement order to determine contact during Christmas. The decision of the court will be legally binding, and both parents must comply with the court order.
Generally speaking, it is always easier, where possible to put aside your differences and place your children’s happiness and security at the forefront when it comes to Christmas. However, should you require any support in navigating the emotional minefield, engaging an experienced family lawyer who can guide you through the process can help ease the burden.
